like a bashful clam

not me constantly refreshing lex hoping someone has written a personal describing me explicitly and still probably not messaging bc I’ll convince myself they don’t wanna talk to me

04 Jun 2021 1 note ↺

wow i did not mean to be heavy on the low self esteem but i guess when i write it out loud it p much looks like that huh i just really wanna hook up this month even just making out im manifesting i do declare

can someone tell me if moxie is actually good bc I think I’m disinclined to watch it bc it reeks strongly of white feminism but it also just might be my latent misogyny failing to give it a chance but I also don’t wanna waste my time so would be cool to have a second opinion before I try to make a first one

07 Mar 2021 ↺

dont worry i hate me too i do declare

I spent all day researching and reaching out to new therapists! and the girl I like confirmed indirectly that she’s interested in dating me! I had proper bubble tea from ktown for the first time in so fucking long!

17 Feb 2021 4 notes ↺

today was wild i do declare

I had a dream i flirted with a woman over the phone and when we met in person we hung out and kissed and and cuddled and it was awkward and cosy and blissful and then my partner was there but its okay bc everyone was aware of our open marriage but then he started kissing her and she got uncomfortable and I followed after her apologizing for him but she left and I started yelling at him and he was sullen and petulant and I left and idk how to feel now that I’ve woken up kinda horny and mad at him

23 Jan 2021 1 note ↺

i dont think he'd ever do that irl btw so my irritation here is completely irrational but thats not stopping me i do declare

I just had a dream that I was in some sort of indoor convention that was vaguely Coachella themed and there was one loaf of bread for everyone but by the end of the day there was still half a loaf left and it was so good so I stuffed it in my bag and then the next day I heard an exhausted worker saying that yesterday was the ugliest day the convention has ever seen there was signs of “stabbing with lethal substances” and ppl poured soda on the wires causing shock and there were at least two deaths but the most unbelievable part was someone took all the bread

19 Jan 2021 ↺

literally i just woke up and im trying to remember everything before it goes away i think i might have also been involved in some of the stabbing but not with lethal substances??also i remember the employee was just saying all the other tragedies with devastation but became manic when talking about the missing bread i do declare

09 Jul 2019 ↺

i feel alone but i think i can go to bed now and at least take comfort that I'm not alone in feeling lonely i have a lot if feelings i feel like I've been having an existential crisis i think the person i was 2 years ago would be disappointed in me i wish i hadn't found my boyfriend so quickly after gaining my freedom because the truth is i love him and i don't want to be not be with him but i also feel like i lost the opportunity to live me life unshackled and free tomorrow's therapy session is gonna be a fucking doozy i do declare

12 Dec 2018 1 note ↺

i feel really bummed out rn i had plans to go to my partners place and i was excited bc i dont have to go to the networking thing tonight but then he seemed kind of ambivalent and making excuses for me not to come over so like i guess not??and i just felt really bummed and told him that it didnt seem like he wanted me there so then he started insisting he did but when you say that after the fact it feels disingenuine plus i would have to have dinner with his family and i was just too exhausted and bummed out to force myself through that so now im just lying in bed and crying i know a lot of it is my anxiety and my critic twisting stuff he says into negative stuff but i also just dont even have the energy to bother analyzing myself and my feelings rn just enough energy to wallow in them i do declare

I had a fight with my parents and for the first time I stood up for myself. everything I said I kept thinking back to what I learned in therapy and how to deal with narcissistic people and the moment he started verbally abusing me I left. I said I’m sorry but I’m leaving. because no matter what they believe with regards to children respecting their parents, I will no longer accept verbal abuse. and I’m financially independent and I live away from their house and i still have to keep reminding myself that you dont have to be scared of them because they literally cannot control you anymore.

I’m in a messy emotion right now. I’m thankful I was able to meet up with my best friend but I feel like a lot of my feelings are stopped in a bottle neck and oozing out very slowly in the effort to not feel too overwhelmed. but I’m gonna relax with some music on the bus home, call my loved ones, and pray for some peace of fucking mind.

22 Aug 2018 11 notes ↺

i do declare

i’m planning on applying for another job within my company and i’m nervous like this isn’t something i prepared for but someone within my dept is leaving and she had my job before she got promoted so it seems plausible?? but my therapist showed me that whether i get it or not, it’s still a positive because my superiors would see that i’m ambitious and willing to take on more responsibility (but like mostly for that paycheck so i can afford a place of my own tbh) and i know it’s a good idea but nervousss i hate job applications and interviews and talking to people jeez

18 Jul 2018 4 notes ↺

i do declare

naramdil:

I used to think it was important to have common interests with the person that you are in a relationship with but now I think it is more important to be similar in other aspects. like how kind you are. how you treat the people you care about, how you treat strangers. how you deal with anger. how you deal with pain. and not necessarily dealing with all these things the same way but being perseptive enough to understand what action each situation calls for. it’s important for both people to be on the same page about what that action should be. it’s important to me to have that kind of synchrony.

17 Jul 2018 236,341 notes ↺

this is absolutely true i found myself forcing crushes with people who seemed perfect for me on paper but i fell for my partner so easily because of our similar temperaments we dont really have the same taste in much except for some movies and most food but we're both super quiet and chill and would rather not hang out with anyone else except on rare occasions and we both like to have our own space and react carefully when we're angry and these things are so much more important tbh i do declare

honestly if you love what you do that’s fantastic but you know it’s totally okay to just be okay with your job. not everyone is gonna be 100% passionate about what they do. how many people you know love cleaning or clerical work or physical labor? but guess what, these are all completely valid and necessary jobs in today’s economy! some people live to work, some people work to live. instead of defining success by how much you’re making or how interesting people find your job, redefine success and accept that just because your 9-5 or graveyard shift isn’t glamourous or exciting, it’s all part of helping you pursue happiness in the other parts of your life.

02 Mar 2018 ↺

idk like am i just really comfortable in my ordinary job and i feel like im acting like plop from office where hes relatively young and doesnt have a plan and just works in a mundane job but i honestly feel so happy when im in my apartment and not because im home from work but because i look around and be proud of how i support myself and made a place of my own like literally at night i just feel so giddy knowing i bought this bed. me! I bought this bed and its mine!and yeah i wish i lived alone and had more money for trips and dinners but independence alone just gives me such a thrill i do declare

eearth:

Personal growth becomes so addictive once you realize that it’s always possible to improve your experience of being.

06 Feb 2018 309,043 notes ↺

this is the realest like iactually have goals now ridiculous i do declare

11 Dec 2017 1 note ↺

current mood i do declare hp

Keep reading

01 Oct 2017 1 note ↺

i do declare next therapy session is going to be a minefield

my bf made a joke about wanting to watch if I made out with one of his female friends and immediately I felt angry and lowkey depressed as if I made a huge mistake trusting a guy not to be problematic. I told him exactly why I was upset, that this was the first time I felt confronted with the fact that he’s a product of the patriarchy, like my bisexuality was for his amusement, that it felt like he regarded my sapphic side as not real, unimportant, and I told him that my attraction to girls has nothing to do with him.

at first he didn’t get it, he asked why is it wrong for him to find that sexy and I can find two guys making out sexy. But I explained that the issue was on a personal level, like I wouldn’t like it if he kissed a guy because he’s with me, even though objectively I would find it attractive.

and eventually he said he understood that he was being insensitive. and low-key I’m worried he’s just saying to appease me. but I hope not. this is the one time I’m trusting a guy and bc honestly I’m only misandrist bc they keep fucking letting me down. but I really like this one. please don’t let me down. bc I feel like my inner critic that’s afraid of attachment and rejection is looking for any reason for this not to work.

29 Aug 2017 1 note ↺

i do declare